Now that's just depressing...

Andrea -- [noun]: A person who falls into an outhouse and dies 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Herpes

D: This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that’s why I am here!"

Me: Hill-fricken-arious!

D: Personal experience? lol

Me: Yeah, but that doctor didn't try that again... :)

D: Poor Martin! lol

Me: He gave it to me!

D: Whatever! lol (For sure, you were his first right?)

Me: Yeah...and he was mine (wink wink).

D: No. You look innocent but I know better...

Me: I didn't get kissed until I married Martin.

D: Now I know you're a liar!

It all goes downhill from there…

Summer Job

I have a summer job working in a law firm. I worked there several years ago when I was in college and I must say that it was much more enjoyable back then. For several reasons:
1. I was single
2. They were located across the hall from New York Life (where a lot of attractive college aged guys worked)
3. I was single
4. The only candy machine on the floor was inside New York Life and I went on an office candy run at least twice a day.
5. The best deli (in the world) was right around the corner.


A lot has changed:
1. I'm married
2. I'm not really all that hot anymore
3. They moved away from New York Life (and the guys that are now too young for me) and the deli
4. There is no candy machine (honestly this is a blessing, because I might actually eat the candy now)

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband and I would never want to go back to my "single days", but I think my boy-crazed attitude allowed me to handle the yuckiness of working in an attorney's office. I know fully understand why there is soooo much drug abuse in that profession. I would need to be hopped up on something to work their permanently.

I miss my students...

I know it sounds lame, but I just wasn't cut out for work that a trained banana eating monkey could do. The only redemption is explaining what capitulate means to a legal secretary that thinks she knows SO much more than me--that and helping her spell legal terms that spell-check doesn't know.

We interupt your regularly scheduled programming...

All I have to say is ewwwh. This has got to be the most digusting medical procedure. Did I mention I am never going to Costa Rica?


Maggot

Holy Cow...Am I a Bad Driver??

Six months ago I signed up for an insurance tracking device to tell me and I suppose them about my driving habits. I wasn't really sure what it would track so I spent the first few weeks ultra paranoid. I have a nasty habit of removing my seat belt while parking and driving from my mailbox to my house (it is a few blocks away) without my seatbelt on. None of that stuff is tracked, so now I can relax and go back to my old habits.

The bad news is that the little thing documented my "aggressive braking" and my "aggressive acceleration". I need to figure out what was going on the morning of 2/12, because I had four instances of aggressive braking and five instances of aggressive acceleration. Those are things that I suppose I will try and work on over the next six months. Not that I will actually change my driving patterns, but I will check in six months to see if I suck more.

Next... I clicked on the link to compare myself to others and I was pleasantly surprised until I narrowed down the comparison. I was happy to be compared to everyone, but comparing myself to my own demographic ruined everything.



Here's to living outside the norm!

Guess who's back??

Guess who's back
Back again
Laddy's back
Tell a friend
Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back
guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back..

Thank you to Eminem for the fabulous reintroduction.

Some of you (who I am kidding no one reads this garbage) may have realized that I disappeared for a while. I was a little unnerved because a student found my blog and was reading it. It is one thing for me to rant, rave and be a crazy person on a blog for everyone to read, but it is quite another to have an audience that you know. I can't handle the idea of anyone that I actually know reading this, so if you know me and you are reading this let's pretend that your not.

Okay, now that we got that out of the way I can actually start with the ranting and raving part of this post. I know that everyone has a life, stress, stupid things that happen, etc., but for some reason I feel the need to talk about them here, because it stops my friends and family from thinking about how much I complain.

Here's my latest and greatest:
I went to a furniture auction a few weeks ago (the store was going out of business and I am all about taking advantage of the situation). I was armed with a credit card, an auction card, and an 'I'm meaner than you' look on my face. I ended up bidding on some pub chairs, that just happened to go with a table that another lady just purchased, and I won them. The other lady was pretty upset, as I am sure you could imagine, and gave me dirty looks for quite some time. I kept bidding on things and ignoring her, but she went over to MY pub chairs and started messing with them.

Normally I am pretty even tempered, but she pulled on the plastic that protected the fabric and seemed to be sabotaging my merchandise. I walked over to her and calmly explained that if she didn't leave my chairs alone I would have to take drastic actions. She looked at me like I was crazy and I told her that I was going to "kick her butt". On the inside I was shaking like a leaf. I couldn't stop thinking about where the exits were and what the quickest route was. Thankfully she turned and walked away. I was quite impressed with myself, but I don't think I will try that one again.
Later in the day I went to pay for my merchandise and found out that my auction card had been mistaken for another auction card and vise versa. My number was 63 and the other number was 53. The person writing the winning number down had misheard the caller several times. Can you guess who number 53 was? Yep, it was her, the blonde 'can't afford a pub chair for my table' lady. She was a little apprehensive at first in the division of goods, but was honest about what items belonged to her, so I was happy. Did I mention I also bought a cherry sleigh bed?